Why I hate living in NYC...

4:00--Mean janitor kicks me out of my classroom, telling me to shut my window like he's preemptively scolding me for not doing it.
4:05--Begin walk to the 2 stop near my school, lugging giant duffel bag that I've been bringing my things to school in every day this week.
4:20--Realize that I have seriously underestimated how far away the subway stop is.
4:30--Arrive at subway stop and walk up 2 long flights of stairs.
4:35--Turn around and walk back down the stairs, because I didn't read the sign explaining that that was the Bronx-bound side of the track.
4:40--Hear the train coming and sprint up the 2 flights of stairs on the other side of the street.
4:42--Panic because the announcer called the train a 2 train, but all the signs inside and outside say 5.
4:50--The train stops between stations. The conductor demands that we be patient while the train people work out some problem with the train ahead of us.
5:00--Continue waiting.
5:10--Continue waiting. Start having to pee.
5:15--Finally begin moving.
5:30--Arrive at 96th st. Sprint down and up the stairs to get to the other platform where the 1 train just arrived.
5:35--Wait. Train doors remain open and people keep pushing their way in. Conductor does not explain what the problem is. I am trapped under the armpit of a very tall man wearing a tank top. And now I REALLY have to pee.
5:45--Finally begin moving.
5:55--Arrive at destination and begin walk to Bank St. Book Store, still lugging giant duffel bag. Park bag behind bookshelf and beg to use the bathroom.
6:00--Discover that they are out of all the popsicle sticks shaped like people and the horizontal pocket charts. The only welcome displays they have left are children carrying apples that spell out the word "Welcome." It's the same display I used last September, then threw out in June because I thought it was stupid.
6:10--Pick up duffel bag and pay $12 for stupid welcome display. It is approximately 2 feet wide and 1 foot long...and the book store people say they don't have a bag big enough for it. I carry it awkwardly in 1 hand, and the duffel bag over the other shoulder.
6:15--Wait for train to Times Square, then squeeze myself and duffel bag into overcrowded train.
6:20--Get stuck walking behind really slow lady. See N train arrive, doors open and doors close, all the while trying to get out from behind her so I can run across the platform, down the tracks and get on the train. Fail.
6:25--Q train arrives.
6:30--R train arrives.
6:35--N train FINALLY arrives. Man in a suit goes up to the door. Man in a baseball cap begins screaming curse words at him. I guess cap man was mad because suit man cut in front of him... They both continue cursing and screaming at each other until 59th & Lex.
6:40--Tall girl with curly hair gets on the train and leans her whole back against the pole in front of me. There is nowhere for me to hold on, except right behind her neck, and her curly hair is all over my hand.
6:45--Arrive at Queensboro Plaza. Forget that I am supposed to get off to go pick up the UPS package that they couldn't deliver because I live in an apartment building with a tiny mailbox.
6:50--There are finally seats available on the train, and, just as I am moving my duffel bag over so I can sit in one, a mean fat man squeezes behind me and takes it.
6:52--Try to email my friend to say that I feel sick and can't go to a play with her tonight. Train jolts and, since I still can't hold onto the pole in front of me, I jerk backwards and accidentally send the email before finishing it.
7:00--Lug giant duffel bag off the train.
7:07--Check mailbox and see that the postal service attempted to deliver a package, but couldn't leave it because of the previously described apartment building/mailbox problem. They ask me to come pick it up 11 blocks away.
7:10--Collapse on the couch, throwing my duffel bag and welcome display to the floor. Decide to share my misery with the world.

NYSESLAT

The kids had to take the NYSESLAT (testing their mastery of English) last week... so many issues, such as NOT BEING ABLE TO READ HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH NOT KNOWING ENGLISH and SECOND GRADERS SHOULD NOT BE TAKING THE SAME TEST AS FOURTH GRADERS. However, it wasn't all bad news. A. came up with a hilarious essay...what would you give it on a scale from 0-4?

Directions: Write an essay about why oceans are important to people and how people can help keep the oceans clean.

The oceans are safe because many reasons people keep the ocean clean. The ocean are important because many people clean the ocean. Some fish have spots. Some fish are different. Some people thow trash ervywhere. And when they thow trash ervywhere it looks very ugly and not nice that why people clean there homes and the ocean too. Some people from other places helps people to clean their house because people not want to not leaves trash on their house or homes. Sharks eat people because sharks likes meet from peoples. Sharks eat people because people do something bad. When people are mean sharks eat peoples because sharks are very very mean. When people are doing some thing to sharks people eat some people and their mom crys. And when sharks eat peoples because people don't want to eat them. Fish are very nice. Fish likes to eat because fish want get fat. Baby fish want to eat some food. That is why the ocean is clean.

The newest fad

No, I have not yet contracted the swine flu, although half my class is Mexican, 7 students were absent yesterday, and 3 experienced flu-like symptoms all weekend but their parents made them come to school anyway.

In other news, kids like the strangest shit. I guess I vaguely remember that aspect of childhood...the randomest things become precious treasures. Right now, they are obsessed with dryer sheets. They (I assume) steal them from their apartments, bring them to school in their backpacks, slip them into their desks, and sneak sniffs when they think I'm not looking. The ones with the dryer sheets are the popular ones--everyone wants to be their friend. And if a dryer-sheet-kid finds a non-dryer-sheet-kid worthy, s/he'll secretly pass the dryer sheet over and let the chosen friend smell it for a while.

I haven't figured out my official teacher policy on this new practice, so I haven't actually punished any sniffers or taken any dryer sheets away. Really, my only response has been to roll my eyes. And call them weirdos under my breath.

2 M. Updates

1) He pooped all over himself, his chair, and the floor by his desk. He had been out of school for a while with "stomach problems," but he'd been back for about a week. M. farts a lot and the kids are always complaining that he stinks, so I thought nothing of it when, on Wednesday, they told me something smelled. Soon thereafter, M. called to me that his stomach was really hurting and I sent him to the nurse (cautioning him that, if he was down there for more than a few minutes, he should meet us at lunch because we wouldn't be in the classroom anymore). After dropping off the class, 2 other teachers came up to me, furious, yelling that one of my kids had shat on himself and that the nurse sent him to wander back upstairs, through the halls, in search of his class. Eventually M. appeared and I saw that his entire shirt and pants were covered. EW! He had the slip that the nurse had given him with her recommended treatment -- "Child should be allowed to eat an early lunch." As soon as I got him settled in the office, waiting for his mom to come for him, I returned to my room to find that he had left his chair and the area around it in a sorry state. Unable to get hold of the janitor, I locked the door, praying that none of my children had forgotten anything and would have to come up looking for it. Eventually I found the janitor, he poured bleach all over that part of the room, and M. hasn't had anymore problems of that nature.

2) We're learning about China this week, and yeterday we talked about Chinese religions. Before we got into the details of Taoism, Confucianism and Buddhism, I wanted to clarify what a religion is in the first place. So we decided that a religion is something you believe, maybe about how you should act, what happens after you die, or what God is like. At this point, M. got a really puzzled look on his face, like he was thinking very hard about something (a look I rarely find anywhere near him). He raised his hand and asked, "Ms. Powell, what happened to God?"

Responding to poetry

We read a poem called "I Fell Asleep in Class Today," and the twist at the end was that the speaker was a teacher, not a student. The kids went back to their seats and were filling in these worksheets I had made. One free response question said, "What would you do if your teacher fell asleep in class?" I expected answers like, "I would make paper airplanes" or "I would run around the classroom and swing from the hooks in the closet."

Instead, I saw the following answers pop up most frequently...
The calm and collected: "I would read a book."
The ambitious: "I would teach the class."
The ever practical: "I would wake her up."

Another field trip moment

We enter the hall of European Painting. The students gather around the first picture in the room, of a girl with curly light brown hair wearing a yellow dress. In unison..."Ms. Powell, it looks just like you!!!" "It's you!!!" "It's your twin!!!"

Field trip

Y: Ms. Powell, you do not eat meat?

Me: Nope, I do not eat meat. I'm a vegetarian.

Y: Why?

Me: Because I love animals a lot and I don't want to eat them.

Y: And your mom is a vegetarian too?

Me: Yep.

Y: I guess everyone in California is a vegetarian.

[J. forgot his coat. He only had a little sweater.]

Me: J., aren't you cold?

J: No, I'm just going to a warm place in my mind and so I'm okay.

[On the subway. L. and S. giggling and talking quickly in Spanish.]

L: Ms. Powell, Ms. Powell guess what.

Me: What?

[L. points at random man standing a few feet away.]

L: That's S.'s uncle.

Me: What?

[Man looks very confused.]

L: It is, it is!

[Man shrugs his shoulders, continuing to look confused.]

Me: I don't know...

S: It is, it is!
[Man shakes his head.]