My cat looks like a cow

We're going up the stairs to the 3rd floor after gym and D. is looking around, talking to A., bending over and touching her toes...not moving forward with the rest of the girls in the girls' line. So I say, "D.! Get with the program!" She gets very flustered...trying to explain to me that it's Thursday and, "No, but...Ms. Powell, but there is no after school [program] until tomorrow."

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Background:
Early in the year, I was teaching some writing lesson, modeling with a story that involved my apartment and my cat, Isobel, who is black and white. I wrote some words about what happened, and what the apartment and Isobel looked like, and drew a picture with details. Since then, Isobel went to live with my old roommate, Jon and I got a new cat named Sammy (who is dark brown/gray), and Isobel came back to live with us. My phone desktop is a picture of Jon and Sammy.

So we're on a field trip and I get a text message from another teacher. I go to check it, and E. is looking over my shoulder. "Who is that?!" she demands, pointing at the picture.
"It's my boyfriend and my cat," I reply.
"That's not your cat, Ms. Powell!"
"Yes it is! What do you mean?"
"But Ms. Powell, I thought your cat looked like a cow!"

Dialog Journal

12/5/08
Dear A.,
Let's keep a journal together! Every night, I will read what you write and write you back. During the day, the journal can stay in your desk. Anytime you want to write and tell me something, you can! You are the only one who is going to have a journal with me so try to keep it private. Try writing about how you are feeling--things that are bothering you or things you are excited about. How are you feeling today?
-Ms. Powell

12/5/08
Ms powell today i feeling very very happy. Ms powell you are the best you are nice ms powell. We all love you ms powell. me and Jennifer c and anahi love you ms powell.
love ms powell
and love a.

12/5/08
Dear A.,
I am so glad that you are feeling happy today. Why are you so very very happy? What are you going to do this weekend? I am going to school on Saturday to learn to be a better teacher. Then I am going ice skating and after that I'm going to a party. I am so excited! I hope you have a great weekend.
-Ms. Powell

Dear Ms. powell,
We so happy. Ms powell you are nice. Ms Powell read us a book. It was very very nice. Ms powell is beautiful she is going in a party she will be happy. In the party she will be nice and beautiful she is so so nice. Me and ms powell we was very very happy. Ms powell is very nice.

Dear Ms Powell,
I feeling very very excited ms powell. You feeling very very happy ms powell. Ms powell you are nice ms powell. A. you are good in school.
by: A.

Dear Ms Powell
Ms powell i feeling very very excited in the school. Ms powell said to me that she feeling very very happy. Tomorrow i will be happy.

12/8/08
Dear A.,
Why are you so excited for school? What are you excited to do? Did you have a good weekend? What did you do. I sang in a concert. I saw a movie. I planned lessons for the week. Write back!
-Ms. Powell

Dear ms powell
We had so much fun in the park Ms powell have your weeked was good ms powell. Ms powell said to me that her weeked was good.

12/9/08
Dear A.,
My weekend was good! I'm glad you had fun in the park. Did you go on the swings? How are you feeling today--happy? Sad? Angry? Excited? Did you like anything that we learned about today? I am going shopping tonight, so I feel happy and excited, but also tired.
-Ms. Powell

Dear Ms Powell
I have a phone ms powell it is in my best. I have 2 phone. The phone is so good. Ms powell.
Love a.

2/20/09
Dear ms. powell
ms. Powell you are so Nice with me. I Love the way you teach me in school I learn more to do math and writing. my mom said that she like the way she hav contc with you about my behavioR. ms Powell you are so nice with us Im sorry when I din't lisen to you my mom said that i have to lisen to you and do what you said because yo are like my second mom. I Love you ms Powell.

Feelings

I spend every day pulling teeth. Sure, there are successes here and there. But I'm a perfectionist and the imperfections weigh on me. And since it's that weight on my shoulders that drives me to improve, and since that drive is the only reason I'm anything, I don't hate myself too much for the perfectionism and the drive. But my point is, I focus on the imperfections, the failures.

The kids who don't want to learn. And so, it seems to me, I spend every day pulling teeth. A., M., L., B....they'd rather be anywhere else, doing anything else, than be in school learning. Instead of learning to read beyond a Kindergarten level, A. spent the day throwing his table's crayons out the window whenever I turned my back. NOW HIS TABLE HAS NO CRAYONS. Did he not consider this? I am baffled.

M. pulled a girl to him and kissed her while she screamed and 2 teachers watched in horror. He stomped on another girl's foot and called a boy "motherfucker." I met with his father, who had no idea what to do to control his son. M. doesn't seem to care about anything and doesn't seem to be scared of anything... the best I can come up with is counseling the more malleable students to "ignore, ignore, ignore."

And then there's the fact that I KEEP GETTING MORE KIDS. I FINALLY move almost all my kids up past the D reading level and then, whaddaya know, 3 new kids move to the neighborhood, speak no English, can't count past 10, and don't know any of the letter's sounds. I know, I know, I should see this as an OPPORTUNITY... but all I can think is, HOW can the DOE require absolutely nothing except that a child be 7 years old in order to place them in 2nd grade. These children are at Pre-K level. What are they doing in my class of students who are (I hope) rapidly approaching 3rd grade level.

My predominant feeling at the moment is anger and I don't like it. I'm angry at my kids and at their parents and at the school and at the DOE. I'm angry at the people who throw their trash out of the bus at every stop instead of putting it in a trashcan like any decent person would. I'm angry at L.'s 21 year old brother, who had a baby with his girlfriend, then dumped her and moved back home. I'm angry at Y.'s father, who told her he didn't love her and then left her and her mom.

The problems with these people and this place run so deep. Am I really doing anything to fix them, or just getting myself caught up in the inevitable misery?

I feel tired of asking myself this question every single day.

New kid

There is a new kid in my class. He is crazy. The other day, he raised his hand while all the students were on the mat to ask me, "Ms. Powell, do you love me?" Then, last week, he raised his hand while all the students were on the mat to ask me, "Ms. Powell, do you and your boyfriend sleep together?"

Jeesh.