Feelings

I spend every day pulling teeth. Sure, there are successes here and there. But I'm a perfectionist and the imperfections weigh on me. And since it's that weight on my shoulders that drives me to improve, and since that drive is the only reason I'm anything, I don't hate myself too much for the perfectionism and the drive. But my point is, I focus on the imperfections, the failures.

The kids who don't want to learn. And so, it seems to me, I spend every day pulling teeth. A., M., L., B....they'd rather be anywhere else, doing anything else, than be in school learning. Instead of learning to read beyond a Kindergarten level, A. spent the day throwing his table's crayons out the window whenever I turned my back. NOW HIS TABLE HAS NO CRAYONS. Did he not consider this? I am baffled.

M. pulled a girl to him and kissed her while she screamed and 2 teachers watched in horror. He stomped on another girl's foot and called a boy "motherfucker." I met with his father, who had no idea what to do to control his son. M. doesn't seem to care about anything and doesn't seem to be scared of anything... the best I can come up with is counseling the more malleable students to "ignore, ignore, ignore."

And then there's the fact that I KEEP GETTING MORE KIDS. I FINALLY move almost all my kids up past the D reading level and then, whaddaya know, 3 new kids move to the neighborhood, speak no English, can't count past 10, and don't know any of the letter's sounds. I know, I know, I should see this as an OPPORTUNITY... but all I can think is, HOW can the DOE require absolutely nothing except that a child be 7 years old in order to place them in 2nd grade. These children are at Pre-K level. What are they doing in my class of students who are (I hope) rapidly approaching 3rd grade level.

My predominant feeling at the moment is anger and I don't like it. I'm angry at my kids and at their parents and at the school and at the DOE. I'm angry at the people who throw their trash out of the bus at every stop instead of putting it in a trashcan like any decent person would. I'm angry at L.'s 21 year old brother, who had a baby with his girlfriend, then dumped her and moved back home. I'm angry at Y.'s father, who told her he didn't love her and then left her and her mom.

The problems with these people and this place run so deep. Am I really doing anything to fix them, or just getting myself caught up in the inevitable misery?

I feel tired of asking myself this question every single day.